Ladies and Gentlemen, there comes a time in every mans life where he has to get down on his knees and straight beg for forgiveness. If only there was an online utility for praying to Mecca that I could hack to present myself, on my own knees, apologising to you for not sharing cool links for two whole weeks. You have my complete and total humble apology.

Unless you’re the [Editors Note: Dan was beaten with a wooden stick for using a bad word here....] **** who stole my laptop. Then you can get fucked.

So here’s some shit I found on the internet this last couple of weeks.

SYNOPSIS QUEST

There’s immense pressure on me (from no one in particular) to play Final Fantasy XIII. I always reply ‘Play? Okay, but only if we do the multiplayer drinking game mode where you take a shot of absinthe for every spike of hair in each scene’. JRPGs just aren’t my cup of tea I suppose.

http://www.skipmore.com/freegames/synopsis/synopsis.html

Synopsis Quest is is basically the major story beats of the most cliched JRPG ever, condensed into 25 short segments. I wish more games would do this – cut out the bullshit and just get to the important stuff. BioShock would be so much less preachy if it was just PLANE CRASH NOW YOU REALISE YOU HAVE NO REAL CHOICE IN FIRST PERSON SHOOTERS NOW YOU KILL THE BOSS.

GAMES INVADE REALITY

This awesome little video shows what would happen if videogames could penetrate reality. I’d call it cutting edge, but cosplay has been threatening to bring about the apocolypse for years, so it’s not exactly original.

SEX OFFENDERS WHO LOOK LIKE CELEBRITIES

http://sexoffenderswholookfamous.tumblr.com/

If only the United Kingdom made pictures of convicted paedophiles available. Although I bet they’d all look like Mike Skinner or Phil Mitchell.

CHOOSE YOUR OWN TEAM FORTRESS 2

One of the great things about Steam (and something that makes it a godsend if your laptop gets fucking stolen) is that you get unlimited downloads of your games, which means I’d be putting TF2 on everything in my house that had a screen and buttons if I could. Alas, I have to make do with this Youtube based Choose Your Own Adventure version. I cannot wait for achievement support.

INEBRIATION LULZ

Drunkeness makes anything funny – just look at me in the aftermath of my laptop theft when I did fifty Jager bombers and went surfing with a chip fork. History is not exempt from this.

A TYPICAL STAR WARS FAN REVIEWS EPISODE 2

This is just the first part, but I implore you to watch this 90 minute review of Attack of the Clones in it’s entirety. It’s part of the reason I drink (the other part is the theft of my laptop).

TRAILER OF THE WEEK TRIFECTA

It seems the Ensemble Action Movie genre is getting the shot in the arm it so rightly deserves this year. Below are trailers for The Expendables, The A-Team and The Losers. My money is on anything with Jason Statham in it, which is why I lost on the Grand National (also that the trauma of having my laptop stolen SOB SOB SOB SOB WWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA WHY GOD WHY).

Dan Pryce finds his stolen laptop at http://www.twitter.com/DanPryce and  less frequently at http://eternalloadingscreen.wordpress.com. Get in touch with him if you find anything worthy of a Time Assassin.

Oh yeah, and I’m away again next week. In Tenerife, since you asked.