Your plans might have been to solve the ultimate equation to everything and get free universal health-care whilst someone else’s might be to simply offer everyone a free cup of tea and a copy of the newspaper. Unfortunately we know which plan is coming out on tops here so it looks like NHS waiting lists will be getting a little longer, (which is memetics in a nut-shell).

With the recent influx of people here onto the farmyard this hasn’t been an issue though as we’re building a decent community, (if I may say so myself), and that’s a hard thing to find. But I think we’ve been successful so far.

I heard ‘happiness is only real when shared’ but Jean Paul Sartre put it best when he said ‘hell is other people’. Including the fact I can now tag ‘Sartre’ to this, (plus that funky picture of him), I think if it wasn’t things wouldn’t be half as interesting…

A main difference you’ll notice in the weeks to come is an increase in the games output as more writers come aboard, (who we’ll be introducing shortly). What we do feel confident about though is that our writers will be passionate about their subject, (in this case games). With the film side as well you may have noticed that we’ve branched into looking at lesser known ‘gems’, (and some not so much as the case may be), with Dan Doolans coverage of the Raindance Film Festival which you’ll be seeing more of shortly. Then of course there’s still Simon, (aka the Misanthropic Monkey), and Alexander continuing to write about film and music in their own inimitable style.

Although we did begin as an indie gaming site we do consider ourselves to be locally based with a general outlook as we take the ethos of ‘alternative innovation’ and apply it to this, (because it’s definitely needed round here). We will be continuing with indie games though as this is an initial love, (and unfortunately still a massively under-represented area). Keep tuned as we head to Eurogamer for that.

Anyway, we welcome feedback; the nastier the better, (in fact we actively encourage that). Well, maybe not racist or nutty but criticism of all kinds is helpful. Next time I’ll try to be ‘anodyne’ with my moan. (with less of the spiel), so, until then watch this space.

The vapid values of success are a major trapping of today’s, (and avoiding too many trite references to the ‘cult of celebrity’), celeb’ culture. But I do find it strange the way people revere the empty success as if that’s something in of itself.

‘They’ve achieved their dreams’ people will say as though this by-passes any pre-requisite or actual need for quality material.

They’ve achieved their dream…

There’s an English Defence League member round the corner from me who’s ‘dream’ it is to wipe-out half the Middle East and turn Britain into a racist totalitarian state. I don’t see him on the the X-Factor crying with happiness over ‘achieving his dream’ any time soon, (at least I hope not anyway).

Could you imagine this ethos becoming the standard within politics though? Hordes of teenage girls screaming outside No 10.

‘Daaave! He’s achieving his dream of fucking over the working class, whooo, and he’s only 40!…We love you David’!

I can see them implementing this rhetoric of hollow success in the Houses of Parliament and Westminster too.

‘Well I put it to you Mr Leader of the Conservative Party that if we were to privatise our national health service it’ll only increase the disparity between our social classes whilst furthering our economic coll…’

‘Well I put it to you’ he’ll be cut it off with, ‘Mr Poopy Pants that you are, in fact, just jealous’.

‘Jealous’?

‘Yes, jealous, nah, nah, nah’.

‘I don’t think this is really helping David…’

But Dave wont be able to hear as he’ll be too busy dancing around singing.

Mind you, wont be much different from the usual discourse that seems to go on there.

I’d like to take this moment to assure you that this wont be the case with us as we’ll strive for creative, original material…

Well, for the time being anyway.

As you’ve probably noticed it’s been a tough week as the underclass of Britain took to the streets tearing them apart. As we have mobs on both sides now; one horrifically tearing through the streets, (and I will re-iterate that it really was horrific), whilst the other bays for their blood hurling insults at this social underclass that they tried so hard to forget. I realise I’m generalising now though but it is quite telling that one of the most reasonable voices I feel I’ve read on the subject so far is from a man who’s made a career out of talking about his penis, (and I’m not talking about Boris Johnson).

Well, plenty’s been said and to cheer you up, (as if a naff segway is going to help right all the injustices), we have a new writer to welcome unto the fold. His name is Matthew Edwards and he’s going to be writing some games reviews for us. We also have ‘Mobile Musing’ coming in from Farmyard veteran Kris as well which will feature all things mobile related, (as if I needed to say).

So yes, community. We’re not offering solutions but we have plenty of distractions and flashing lights to keep you, (hopefully), entertained whilst the world comes crashing down around us outside.

Alright, as you’ve probably noticed the sun’s out in the sky, the kids are screaming in the streets and I’m usually to be found nursing a hangover. Yeah, that’s right; summer is here.

Summer is here and it’s all go down upon the Farmyard as we all muck in to bring you a steaming slice pile of ‘entertainment’ for your reading pleasure. It’s almost a month now since we’ve been back in action and a lot’s happened in that time.

This week though we have some more games reviewers heading your way as we expand upon our games centric contingent part of the site for all your trigger happy needs.

On the horizon there’s also whispers of there being a fully interactive Farmyard coming your way so you can come and chip in, (or at least pretend to).

So, with it all firing up here don’t forget the sunscreen…

Welcome back once again to what is now our third week back in action after a long sunny weekend during which time me and Kris happily married off my sister so good luck to her, (not really sure this means so much to many of our readers but you’ll just have to grin and bear it). Best of luck Sim and Aaron!

Anyway, after alienating the majority of our readership I can inform you that as a plus point it means the heat’s taken off me now for the foreseeable future so I can help continue to deliver great Farmyard content at crazy crazy discount prices, (we’re practically ‘giving’ it away). So, first on the agenda is apologies for all the faulty site connections that were experienced during the earlier part of the week giving us lots of downtime, (of which Kris has made you all aware previously). But, with DDOS attacks on the old server we’re back on a new host and ready to roll once again faster, sleeker and shinier.

Coming later this week is Dan Doolan with an exciting major movie preview which I’m sure will be of interest to you, (I’m not sure if I can say what it is yet though), whilst we also continue to re-design the site, (oh yeah, I hope you all like the new navigational layout)? As always, let us know what we’re doing wrong and we’ll try to right this for you, (short of smart-arse requests to remove the site completely off the face of the internet). Alternatively, feel free to shower us with praise and adulation if you so desire and we’ll do our best to accept without the slightest degree of modesty rubbing everyone’s noses in it. Well, once again stay tuned and keep your ears peeled to the barn doors…

OK, looks like another recap moan, (so I apologise once again for the cheapness), as we complete our first week back and it’s definitely been heaving here at the farmyard with good wholesome family fun, (well, it’s been fun at least). Either way it’s been a pretty successful first week if I do say so myself, (and I do).

Before I introduce the latest writers to the team I want to say a formal farewell to Dan Pryce as being reminded to in the comments last week doesn’t quite suffice. He’s done many good articles notably Pixelated Perspective and Time Assassin. So it looks like you’re all going to have to kill your time in other ways now I’m afraid as Dan’s headed off to the murky world of games development so good luck and thanks from the farmyard.

Anyway, as you might have noticed we’ve made a few additions to the team since last week being that of Alexander Bond with ‘The Sanitarium’ as he looks at everything metal for all you serious moshers out there. Then there’s the Misanthropic Monkey aka Simon Key giving us ‘Knotted Fur’; a low-down on all the big film releases with a side-order of wry bread, (and better jokes than that to boot). Make sure you don’t miss this though as all the cool kids are reading them and don’t you want to be here before we’ve gone and sold out…?

What’s coming up next though in our hip and happening world down here on the farmyard I hear you ask? Well you can expect more material and more ‘outrageous’ opinions with the commencement of our ‘political blog’ tomorrow evening so stay tuned for that, (and I realise it sounds a bit jarring announcing ‘political blog’ like a game show host; as if Pat Sharp was introducing John Pilger…oh well).

But whatever happens make sure you stick around as it’s going to kick some serious ass, (not yours…other peoples).

OK, this isn’t really a ‘moan’ as such as, in my role as editor now I’m going to continue from Kris in selling you the all brand spanking new Electronic Farmyard 2.0 as he continues on with the role of PR and Community manager. So I’m just really going to lay things out on the site and what’s going down with what you can hope to expect in what will pretty much be my vanity card piece from now on, (which it already has been to some degree in the past). This might be a lazy excuse for a Monday Moan and hey it’s not even that creative but that’s what you’re getting.

So yeah, welcome to the farmyard.

There’s some big changes headed this way as we strive to create the South Coasts best online outlet of irrelevant yet informative content for all those of you who want to reclaim the word geek from the fake specs brigade. This is the real deal with our focus set on good quality articles.

We’ve still got games reviews, news galore straight from our resident reviewer Mike. We’re also bringing in Dan Doolan to look at TV and tell you all why your opinions just plain suck with his new article ‘Narratively Minded’. Bringing in a level of academia is James Pond with his article on politics in a cyber-age titled ‘Off the Fence’ which I’ll be describing more in detail tomorrow. There’s also Giulia Giganti who’ll be delivering her film reviews on the latest in indie and world cinema. There’ll also be Brad still who’ll keep us up to date with all the latest in the world of tech.

So there it is. Are you happy? If not we can bribe you as well with our upcoming competitions. Yes we’ll even resort to that but either way; it’s going to be big.

Next week I’ll be stepping back from my role as sleazy salesman without the comb-over, (yet), but until then watch this space.

I’m going to be more jovial and anecdotal this week as I look at anti-Americanism. Whilst that may not sound the most light-hearted of topics I’ll try and tackle it in such a way that’ll hopefully induce a chortle, (whatever the fuck that is). I’ll start with when I was about nine/ten and had a love of all things America, especially grunge and Nirvana. It was a magical land where nobody was bullied and all the misfits were around other misfits and everybody was getting picked last for PE, (this all accentuated by the fact that I lived in the middle of bumfuck nowhere whilst going to a school that was so contrived it felt like being in a really rough first draft of ‘Kes’ that’s long since been blanked from memory by the writers as it’s just too hideous to even consider). But America, land of the free and home of the brave or, in my case, just plain despondent. Then at about the age of 11 I actually got the chance to go there for a week with my family.

It was to Florida, Tampa Bay which really set a precedent for the commercial side of America. I remember getting off the plane and wondering how everybody could breathe in such an atmosphere, (it was like that bit in Total Recall where Arnies eyes are popping out of his head, well, had that scene included some tall blonde woman in oversized aviators casually striding past). But the main thing I remember about the whole time there really well was the trip to Epcot. Normally it would’ve been entirely boring compared to magic kingdom but this particular place came as a real eye opener as to the ego of the nation, (mind you this was the mid-nineties). Anyway, if you haven’t been it’s like a Disney Westworld except with all the different countries of the world laid out into different zones; Japan Zone, Russia Zone, (etc, etc). They were all there in different sectors.

But the thing was they had them all extremely stereotyped. The British zone was the best for me though as ‘gents’ strolled around in bowler hats and there were red phone-boxes outside country pubs and they were just so sincere about the whole thing. Then we got to the ‘American Adventure’ and that was when I began to realise that someone might have been telling porkies, (this was highlighted by the fact that gunshots had been heard down the road from our chalet earlier that week). They were marching around victoriously to great fanfare and then they showed us the same sentiments except on ice in the form of ‘skating around the world’ and when they finally got to America they were dancing around a space station to lasers…

Needless to say I was shocked as the reality of the situation began to hit home as if to see the cranky old man behind the curtain. Later we went to a fifties themed diner based on old sitcoms like ‘Leave it to Beaver’ and the waiters were scarily into their roles as they kept telling us ‘mama was in the kitchen rustling up some grub’. I just kept laughing as it began to dawn on me I’d been had.

But as they say, there’s no such thing as bad publicity. I mean, what other country has managed to actively sell internationally a mass reaction against themselves culturally? But, as I sit here writing this in my Ramones T-shirt with the pointless knowledge that apparently ‘all cheerleaders are superficial bitches’, (even though I’ve never met one), rattling around the Tupperware box of my mind I think I still have to admire them for all that.

Fashions come and go over time as once interesting ideas or original outlooks on life are blended into the mainstream and the once exclusive set who held a tight on said ideas start to piss and moan how it’s all ‘sold out’. We’re always quick to blame marketing and corporations for the incessant branding of our culture but we never look at ourselves and why we allowed this to happen. Yes ‘we’ as the market never would’ve existed if we hadn’t allowed it to in the first place.

I do get pissed off myself though when scenes or fun things are fucked up by others with limited imaginations. I mean it’s good to a certain degree as it keeps us on our toes but it still bugs me when it happens. I saw it at this club night I used to go to. Everyone would dress up in crazy clothes and jump around, (which was fun). Slowly though it started to get taken over by the pretentious, (basically guys in goatees and unnecessary horn rimmed designer specs who tell you everything’s a ‘fail’ in loud caps if they happen to disagree). Last time I’m dancing around there, (more like bouncing around), and I happen to inadvertently bump into one of these morons who was just stood in the middle of the dance floor staring blankly up at the stage with folded arms. Although I hadn’t hurt him, (the only thing bruised being his oversized ego), I quickly turned round and apologised. It turned out that this wasn’t good enough as this was his spot and his spot alone to stand there and pass his ‘caustic judgement’ along with all the other tits sternly doing the same thing.

But it’s not just men as women are just as culpable too. There was a reggae night where hippies would stand around monging out to dub. It was a little cliché but nice and chilled nonetheless. Last time a bunch of squaddie types with a ‘hur, hur, look at all the hippies’ attitude arrived and you know, what can I say? Morons.

But the thing is I notice this dainty young girl probably just started Uni’, (probably studying textiles or something)’ drifting about. After a while I see her saunter up to these ‘lads’ giggling nervously in an ‘ooh, fuck me you big monsters’ type manner which they probably did. But now they’ll tell their mates ‘you gotta come to this night mate, they fucking love it over there’ and then they’ll be back in the droves. Why couldn’t she go down Walkabout or Yates? There’s a barrel of arse-holes down there to scrape. Hell, just lie in the middle of the floor on your back, legs spread in the air, cocktails in one end cock in the other and just keep ‘em coming. Years later she can look back at how ‘wild’ she was back then with her now comfortable life whilst not dragging anyone else down in the meantime through her rebellion.

Either way we’re all equally to blame regardless of gender, (this being 2011), as we’re all equally responsible for our actions. We have a duty to maintain the things we enjoy and by also making new exciting things. I guess it’s just about being ourselves and I guess that’s part of why I write this thing if only for myself.

I’d better begin by apologising for being distracted with this article. I’ve just taken up jogging this week after noticing that my usually skinny frame has gotten a bit larger but then that’s probably being sat in front of my computer bringing you hours of top-notch entertainment, (and not drinking beer and inhaling cheese and onion pasties). That’s right, it’s all your fault. I hope you’re happy. Oh how we suffer for our art…

With that extremely tenuous link I’m going to talk about bullying and, that’s right, bullied kid power-bombing the bully. I realise that I shouldn’t by all accords have any right to speak about it but I really wanted to bang on about the anti-bullying schemes and, after seeing a bully have his ass handed to him as we’re all well aware of the situation by now anyway. After being the playground punching-bag myself I guess I could say this subject ‘hit’ home, (and if you think that’s funny you’re an evil sick person who should be ashamed of themselves). Anyway, whilst I know I shouldn’t I shouldn’t be commenting on what should be a localised event, (the same with Sheen whose judgement should only be for his family and friends), I’ll quickly take a ‘hit’ at the reactions surrounding it.

I’d like to first state that principally I don’t believe beating up bullies is the logical way forward for an ever evolving species teetering on the edge of a cultural epoch, (plus it could potentially lead to vigilantism further on down the road which is only cool when dressed as a bat with enough disposable income to beat-up on guys who’ve been forced into a life of crime through poverty). Like this bully for instance. I mean he’s probably had a bad upbringing and everything, (the one to actually be worried about is the kid that actually tries to follow after the bullied kid at the end as he actually seems visibly angry at what’s happened and feels it’s their god given right to be inflicting this torment upon them).

This is the wishy-washy liberal in me speaking that comes with time and reflection though.

Initially my honest reaction was ‘fuck yeah’ much like the majority as, like everyone else, I’m only human. What annoyed me though was the supposed ‘shocked’ response from anti-bullying campaigns and agencies at this jubilant response as a bully’s violently smashed to the ground. The thing with anti-bullying campaigns is that they mainly seem to work within the confines of moral absolutes not allowing much room for democratic discourse on the subject.

‘You shouldn’t strike back, always turn the other cheek’

‘But what about the teachings of Malcolm X that stated you should be able to protect yourself through self-defence and…’

‘Never mind him, probably came from a bad background anyway’

‘Hey! Wait a minute…’

It seems that whilst I do believe that fighting fire with fire is a sign of loss, anti-bullying campaigns are merely a placebo that are ineffective against ingrained institutionalised violence, (yeah, I’m going there, self-righteous Marxism all the way on this one I’m afraid). They appear as nothing more than getting your hand squeezed in front of the teacher in some pathetic attempt to make up with the bully. Take this nugget of wisdom offered on the whole issue: http://wusa9.com/news/article/142028/28/Boy-Never-Learned-To-Stand-Up-For-Himself (I don’t want to quote too much of it). In short though it offers that misguided old chestnut ‘don’t make yourself such a target’ or, to put it more simply, ‘conform’, (as you would in a prison…). I mean, why can’t we examine a system that allows bullying to happen in the first place instead of us labelling them just plain bullies.

I’ll draw this to a conclusion of what has been an admittedly somewhat more soap-box style rant than usual by saying this all became somewhat apparent with the cyber-bullying approach. Whilst this may be an issue as the potential to harass and piss people off increases they seem to forget; technology is traditionally the ‘victims’ domain and the ‘victims’ will be the one who’ll eventually rule. Just take Anonymous shutting down the bullied kids school site after he was suspended…

You’re probably now thinking ‘so what, this all pales in comparison to the bombing of Libya’ and I’m tempted to end on a naff sage like ‘ahh, but are they so different’.

But I wont as that would just be shit.

I feel that right now I should be doing something else. Something new and exciting for the greater good of mankind. More to the point though, what are you doing reading this. At least I’m actually doing something, even if it is profoundly pointless, but look at you. Can you just see yourself reading this, savouring every word that I’m saying?

Stop reading…

Stop…

You just can’t help yourself can you? You disgust me. Your just a sucker for punishment as you think there’s something coming but there really isn’t, only another insult.

Idiot.

Fool.

Imbecile.

This is beginning to get a little embarrassing for everyone involved. If you’re really that bored why don’t you try googling your own name, that usually works. Mind you, it’ll probably just come up with ‘stupid tit’.

Anyway, I’m going now, got to go cure cancer or something.

I’ll be back next week to insult you further.

So, in keeping with the whole ‘ha, ha, isn’t Charlie Sheen nuts’ vibe that’s been suffocating us all with it’s ‘instant hilarity’, (which was funny for five minutes), I’m not going to joyfully revel in some guys drug fuelled self-destruction in order to fill the black pit of despair that is my own life. Instead I’m going to briefly explain why I love conspiracy theories.

Basically this isn’t so much a moan but more of an ‘appreciation’ for all the good hearted bat-shit crazy political conspiracies that float around out there for my own amusement. Whether it be lizards in the royal family or one world orders, (now we’ve done it, that’s probably got the farmyard monitored for life now), I really can’t get enough of them. Heavy on the speculation as they gun for the big ideas whilst completely bypassing all general basic principles such as reason and logic, (which is probably why Chomsky said they’re a pile of shite, albeit a little more articulately). Innocent until proven guilty. But still they have an output of imagination that you wouldn’t be able to find anywhere else. On the negative, (as I’ve got to keep some of my ‘moan’ credentials), they cloud issues like the wild accusations thrown out about 9/11 which asks the question is there someone out there purposefully spouting these crackpot theories. But then we’re just back to square one.

It’s a tough call.

I remember as a kid wishing I’d be abducted, (by aliens that is, I didn’t have some twisted desire to end up splashed across the tabloids). But the idea of travelling to another world and being taught all sorts of new concepts fascinated me, (especially living out in the middle of bum-fuck nowhere). But it’s funny that they always seem to be bored farmhands who’re whisked away and whacked off by some alien honey. Personally I just wanted to have some adventures like these guys, (warning: eighties pop-reference contained within):

But that’s all a lot of these are, adult fantasies, (and not just of the illicit alien fucking kind either). I mean more of the ‘I am the messiah/everything’s doomed’ kind. Take a look at the Denver airport:

Firstly it’s not just the basic issues of if they were a secret world superpower they’d go for half measures when making their ‘base’ resemble a swastika, (as I don’t think they’re making cut-backs at the Illuminati). It’s more the issue of the safety that the absolutism of such an idea offers. Blaming the government like this woman takes all the pain away:

Seriously, she’s blaming the government for the colour spectrum. I know these are godless times but that’s just taking the fucking piss. It’s worrying though as this helps to understand the misanthropic idealism some might hold in a new-world order holocaust, (rest assured I am not a fascist). It’s hard not to warm to the idea even if ever so slightly when faced with one of the Saturday evening cattle fests found on any of the main channels. It’s creepy but a small part can relate.

I think that’s part of the reason why I enjoy them so much, the escapism in the potential ‘what if’ aspect when they first hit you. You get the initial moment of panic when you hear the news, (i.e. ‘worlds going to end in 2012’), and then reason kicks in, (calendars ending plus the Mayans said ‘big event’ not the apocalypse, but then they didn’t figure on Hollywood…or Mel Gibson). In all fairness it’s fun whilst not getting lost like these guys: http://vigilantcitizen.com/ and I shall leave it on that.

During the past week it’s been playing on my mind more and more and I can bear it no longer. So, in the interest of total transparency and honesty I’ve got to come clean and let you know it’s been like a dream since Colin Firth acknowledged me in his acceptance speech last week. Seriously, it’s like a blur as I keep playing the moment over and over in my head as he says ‘and thank-you Sam for just being there’ before everyone claps and cheers. I actually felt I was amongst them all, the beautiful people with their nodded seals of approval and the fact that I was ‘such a joy to work with both professionally and creatively’. Nobody had a bad word to say about nobody, (much unlike my supposed ‘other’ family). Talk about 3D but I actually felt I could reach out and touch Firths tender jaw-line as it carefully accentuated the singular vowel of my name; ‘aaaah’. I became so engrossed in this that I missed the cat hurling chunks in the corner, (it’s been ill for some time now).

The rents due whilst my welfare’s disappearing, (but our forests remain public so there’s still that living option). Now it’s midday and the curtains are shut but there’s a fire in my heart that only Colin could ignite. For the time being though I merely have his dedication to me and, since then, I’ve been noticing his little dedications everywhere. As I’m taking out the rubbish or alone at night staring up at the damp patch that engulfs the ceiling growing and growing, day by day. Even if it’s just a friendly little pat on the back that lets me know somebody appreciates me.

‘Good job Sam. Good job’.

I can’t deny it’s been a tough couple of weeks ever since she left me for another man with more ‘challenging’ prospects but I really feel that I’ve started to pull through.

Colin’s achieved though and we can see the benefits of his success in all corners of the globe. Across the world they’re rejoicing, especially in Egypt and now Libya as they come together on the streets to celebrate this momentous occasion; the successful depiction of a monarch getting his voice back.

I just hope Colin wins the Oscars and saves all our souls before it’s too late…

(or top-ten reasons why top-ten lists should just fuck off the Internet)

That classic staple of disposable articles; the top-ten list of, well, anything we care to think of. Not to dispute the dictum that ‘anything can be art’ but there seems to me something lazy in the constant categorisation of useless pop-cultural artefacts from eighties teen films, (or anything from that fucking period), to household detergents, (which you tend to get a thirst for within its duration). But still, we let our guard down and ‘bam’, there we are staring at it like a fool. The question currently is why have I decided to embark on this now? I’d like to say it’s to nip any future top-ten lists in the bud but in all honesty it’s because I’ve been extremely lazy and haven’t come up with a better topic.

Which I guess proves my point entirely.

So, without much further ado, here’s why I’ll never do this again:

[Editor: Sam you miserable shite. Just because you won't do a top ten list again, doesn't mean we wont...]

10: Their Subjective Nature

This is kind of obvious really but I still feel it needs to be said, (along with needing another number). The main example of this would be the N.M.E. ‘cool list’ which is panned from every angle except by those who compile it. I mean, what happens when you find yourself on it? Do you have to go door-to-door warning people? Are you not allowed within a certain radius of schoolyards? I’ll stop this now as it’s like shooting fish in a barrel.

9: Colour Coding The Internet

I know the endless stream of online information has gotten unmanageable at times but does it really need to come to this? Who are we writing for, ‘Rain Man’, (I know that joke was obvious but so is this whole article)?

8: Do They Actually Count as ‘Reading’ or Are They Reading in The Same Way That ‘Dan Brown’ is Considered Reading

Yeah, you heard me. We all read ‘The Da Vinci Code’. We all thought it was an original and intelligent read. We all quietly ignored the court case with the ‘Holy Blood’ authors, (and we have to be careful with that legally speaking). We all made a fuss when the terrible, terrible film came out proclaiming it was not at all like the book. We all shut-up when we realised it really, really was.

These lines of logic also follow top-ten lists. Just imagine these words being read out by Graham Norton. The camera never lies…

7: They Waste So Much Space That Phrenology Has Dedicated a Specific Section of The Brain to Them

This isn’t strictly true I just needed another reason. I think you get my point though.

6: Crumby Pop-Cultural References

Sure, I like the films of John Hughes. ‘The Breakfast Club’ was fun but how many times do we need to remember? This goes for TV shows too. I’m sick of the eighties. Why not compile a list on the top-ten mining communities ripped apart by smack following the wake of Thatcher? No, didn’t think so. Just stick to kids TV show theme tunes and hairstyles. Can you remember the Noughties when we were all remembering the eighties? What was all that about?

5: The Fact They Need More Visual Aid Than Actual Words

More often than not it’s the case that it’s not so much words but pictures accompanied by words. Look at the pretty colours. Have a picture of some tits.

4: They Pander to The More Base Instincts

I’m really shooting myself in the foot here I know. Anyway, I think I’ve already stated this but they’re easy to digest trivia posing as articles. I don’t think there’s any such thing as ‘useless information’ just the more sensationalist aspects of knowledge taken out of context. I mean there are thousands of strange insect facts, (I was going to Google some examples for the sake of this but most of them are shit). These would be useless to me but to an entomologist or Gary Larson they’d serve their purpose.

3: The Fact They’re Like Crack Cocaine

Each short, sharp bullet of information encouraging you to read onto the next segment. Just one more bit as you must be learning something. The next paragraph’s going to contain something enlightening you just know it. You need to read to the end of the article as you could be missing something extremely important. But there’s nothing, trust me. It’ll only end in tears.

2: The Fact Every List Has Been Done

This one as well. It must’ve been. They’re just littering the Internet with whole sites dedicated to them. They’re like ‘Star Wars’ parodies cropping up all over the place. Like rats you’re never more than two feet away from one. This and that they strip every potentially interesting subject down to next to nothing.

1: The Fact I Am Now The Biggest Hypocrite

Enough said really.

I know I’m being a complete snob with all this but, well, that hasn’t stopped me in the past. I also realise this has all been done before, (and probably a lot better), but it’s done. I’ll come back next week with something interesting on Egypt or whatever. Don’t judge me, I won’t let this happen again I swear it. I’ve paid my dues. It’s completely out of my system now…